Hard to write.

Friday I went and did something I hadn't been able to do in 15 years. The first week of February is always a very hard week for me and many friends in our small community. 15 years seems so long ago but yet the first week of February it seems like it was only yesterday.

15 years ago our small community was shaken by an unnecessary act of violence 3 friends of ours were taken from us all to soon. I tried to "avoid" talking about it for several years and yet it ate at me until I had to figure out how to deal with it. My mom dealt with it in her own way and it left me on my own. I remember being sad and not knowing how to process what had happened so I buried it deep inside and remained "strong" and trying to move on.

I won't go in to much detail of how our friends were killed but you can google triple murders in Vichy and find several articles. I realized last week I had never read the obituaries not sure why but I think I thought if I avoided reading it that it would be easier. Now 15 years later you can't just look at the funeral home website and read it. Thankfully  an awesome friend Connie said we could go thru her memory box and I could read them sometime. I still can't go in to the funeral home where the service was and not vividly see what I saw the day before and day of the funeral.

I never went to visit the cemetery where they are buried I have drove past it a couple times but never stopped. However on Friday a good amazing friend offered to go with me to the cemetery on my lunch hour as Friday was the date they were actually killed even though the date of death says February 5 (the day they were found). I was nervous about going and tried to talk myself out of it but she kept telling me it was something I needed to do in order to try and figure it all out. She hadn't been since the day of the burial either and I hadn't realized until then that she was affected by it as much as the rest of the community. Her son was the same age as Kyle and played together often and she was a single mom just like Susan. It was hard for both of us but we went and stood there and looked at the beautiful tombstone and I finally let go and cried. She talked to me a lot things I wished I had heard 15 years ago. It was hard but also freeing at the same time to finally get past one thing that I hadn't been able to do.

It's not something I will ever "get over" and the vivid memories and pictures etched in to my mind will never leave but I am glad I am finally trying to figure out how to make it easier and not just avoid it. There were some good memories as the night before it happened I played pool with Kyle while my mom visited with Susan. I let him win several games but made it look like he really won it was a fun evening. However the following days were the hardest and worst of my life. I don't ever wish any of that on anyone.