Lately I have been doing lots of thinking, I have been thinking about my past and what I could have done differently. I have been thinking about right now and thinking of the future. I have been trying to lose weight ever since I can remember as early as 6th grade.
School was tough for me seemed like I always got made fun of and was told I was fat for as long as I can remember and now when I look back at pictures from that time I was not much bigger than I should have been and not near as big as some. But most of my friends were really thin and I envied them and wished to look and be like that.
In school I didn’t participate in any clubs, organizations or sports simply because of fear of being made fun of and caring way to much about what people thought about me. I dint go to any school functions or dances. I did however go to my Junior Prom for a couple hours but the entire time I was worried and nervous about what others thought. Now as I have went back and thought about those times I truly regret not doing any of it. I wish I could have had the courage to be me and to go to dances, games etc. but you can’t go back in time all you can do is move forward and make the present and future what I want.
My Junior and Senior year of Highschool I went to RTC, and took Fire and Rescue, at first the only reason I took the class is one of my friends was taking it and was the only girl and talked me in to taking it as well, needless to say she dropped the class after only a couple weeks. I however fell in love with the class and even being the only girl I was enjoying the class. I continued with the class and got two of my certifications that year. I did not ever tell anyone at school (other than the ones who were in the class or was taking the class across the hall) what class I was taking at RTC I would never bring my books from the class in all in fear of getting made fun of. My Senior year I continued with the class and got the rest of my certifications, but still I never spoke of what class I was in. Most people in my family didn’t have a clue about my classes. I did great in the class and was still the only girl but that didn’t matter because I could do all of the things that we were taught and could do some of them better than the guys. While in the class I didn’t have to worry about being made fun of or caring what others thought not sure why I was ok but I was, maybe because I could prove myself and show what I really could do or because everyone took the class because they wanted to and were more interested in learning and doing than what others looked like.
After High School I still continued to worry about what people thought of me and still do. I didn’t like to go to the grocery store in fear of what people thought. I know it all sounds crazy now but it ruled my life for so long. When I decided to commit to losing weight the correct and healthy way I was scared to join the gym, scared to walk at the park. But with the encouragement of a friend I did both and after awhile I realized that no one in the gym was looking at me or any one else they were focused on themselves and what they were doing. Then I started telling myself that they may not have always been fit and thin that maybe they had been overweight and had worked hard to achieve that goal.
Now when I go walk and run on my lunch hour I am not worried about the passing cars seeing me or the other people who may be out there walking because I have to focus on myself and not worry about others. It’s a hard task but I have to over come it if I ever want to succeed in life and have happiness and to feel confident with who I am.
I have to drag up the past and work through it to be able to move on to the future and not have the past haunting me each and every day. I now have friends that I know are true friends and that is something that means the world to me knowing that I have others that support and care and friends whom I can be totally open and honest with and it’s a great feeling. Something I wished I could have let myself have years ago.
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