Nathan is 4 how did that happen??!

Time to post about something happy.. Nathan turned 4 Wednesday! The day before his bday he fell and got a cut on his upper lip... Sitter said he never cried tough little guy. I took him to the ambulance base and police station needed my ems coworkers to look and see what they would do. All were in agreement that er would just super glue it. So I got super glue at dollar store and fixed him up. Ya won't win mom of year award but saved him the hassle of drs and hours of being stuck in er for them to do same thing I did...

He went back to the sitter played all day and never said a word about it!

Since we already had his party earlier in the month I got him a few gifts for his actual birthday. So the boys asked for McDonalds for dinner and Kenny and I had subway. After dinner he wanted to see what was in his bag. 

He got a new movie, puzzles, shirt, toys and a couple other little things he was happy. He wanted to go over and show papa gene his owiee. Not sure papa could see much but he told him all about how it happened. 

When I got home from working sunday afternoon the boys were happy to see me. 

Excuse the mess of their room..... And the poster Blake had to hang on the window... 

My brother in laws girlfriend sent this to me a week ago. I had to look twice didn't believe Nathan was that tall already!!!

He's no longer a baby or toddler he's turning in to a sweet boy who's smile melts your heart. Hard to believe its been 4 years!! 

Something I never hope to do again.

Monday was a day I won't soon forget. In fact it started a week ago today. Last Thursday night as I was visiting with my Grandparents I got a message on my phone asking if I had heard which city fire fighter had passed away in a vehicle wreck. So in browsing facebook texting friends I found out who it was. I didn't know him real well but had worked with him some when I was in fire 1 & 2 school and then again on a few calls since becoming an EMT. I also work with two of his aunts at my office and he had came by several times. A very very nice guy and a great fire fighter. I was sad to lose one of our own sad that the crews who responded to the call were friends and coworkers of his. My heart ached for my friends. Then I got a text Friday evening from Donnie asking if I was going to the funeral on Monday (I hadn't really thought about it figured I would go with the ambulance district if I went) in some back and forth texts I realized he knew him very well. I said we could go together on Monday. I had never been to a funeral for a fellow fire fighter wasn't sure what to expect or how it worked. I knew there would be fire trucks from all over the state there to pay their respects for a fallen brother.

Monday came and I worked for a couple hours and was picked up by Donnie in his cop car we went to funeral home and parked in line for the processional. At an hour before the service there were more fire trucks and ems vehicles that I had ever seen. People were there from all over the state was a neat thing yet sad to see. There were over 300 people there for the service we knew it was an open casket so we were ok with standing in the hallway out of sight of the casket. It was chilling to hear his asst chief do the service hear his daughter get up and talk. Where I was standing I could see my boss from the ambulance district in full uniform standing up next the casket and could tell he was crying. Was hard to see guys you work with who are big tough strong to break down and cry. I held it together thru the service then we went thru the line up by the casket. We walked back to the car to wait for the procession to start. I tried to keep the mood good and the talk away from what we just stood thru. The procession started and it was breathtaking seeing the mile and a half long procession half of which was fire ems and law enforcement. People were standing along the streets watching taking photos and saluting.

I borrowed this from facebook we are the car behind the ambulance. Being close to the front of the processional we got to look behind us to see the huge line of personnel. We had to go across town and then down the interstate to the next town. Was a very very long drive but yet very nice knowing that we all came together to honor such a great guy.

Right before we got on the interstate I took this picture we drove under this huge flag I about cried. Borrowed the next picture from a friend.

As we went thru the roundabout I was able to snap another picture of the line of trucks coming behind us. If the cop car would have had a sunroof I would have climbed out to get a better picture.

When we arrived at the cemetery we had to park about a quarter of a mile from the gravesite to be able to fit all the fire trucks in. Was a sight to see walking down and I wish I would have got a picture but found this one posted on the facebook page in remembrance of the fire fighter.

There was about 5 vehicles  in front of the first truck in this picture and then as far as you can see then around the corner.

Bagpipe players always give me chills when I hear them on tv and well they make me cry when they are two rows of people in front of you and play Amazing Grace.

Here is an ariel shot of the cemetery as we were standing there. The highway patrol had a plane fly over and take a picture. I am in the second row from the back about 3 people over. There were tons of people crammed under the tent and then the two rows to the left of the tent were all city fire fighters. They looked very sharp in their uniform but would rather see them dressed up for something other than funeral.

The bagpipe players did their song and then I heard some of the City Fire guys turning on their pagers and I knew what was next. I knew they would drop the final tones for City and for the rural dept he was a firefighter for. What I didn't expect is it to send chills down me and instantly send tears flowing. I was glad I had my sunglasses on. Not sure if the link I found online will work or not but here it is to listen to.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10200716456415738


As they were doing the final call for him I looked around and there wasn't a dry eye around. Even the guys trying to hide it had tears in their eyes. Once they were done and finished the service we stood around and talked for a bit before walking back to our car. We had been doing the funeral since 10am and it was now 2:30pm. Both of us had to get back to work, on the way back he thanked me for going with him and both agreed we didn't want to have to attend any more of those funerals. However we both know it will happen we have to many friends and family in the fire ems and law service.

The two ladies I work with thanked me for coming to the service and the one asked if all those people there from different departments knew her nephew. I said no most of them didnt but that when we lose one of our own we go to show our support. She had never heard of such and thought it was a great thing. I am glad I went was defiantly a different type of funeral but I hope to not have to go to another for a long long time.

Apologize for any grammar errors I typed this and couldn't go back and read thru it barely made it thru just typing it.

Relay for Life Walk

Saturday I participated in my first ever relay for life walk. I signed up on a team of a friend who had asked me to a year ago. That was long before my Grandpa had kidney cancer and long before getting Myloid Leukemia. The walk and festivities went from noon until midnight. I was a dummy and worked my regular 8-5 job at the office then worked 5pm-8am Saturday morning at the ambulance. So not much sleep lots of time up and on my feed not near enough water consumed.

Kenny decided to do the walk with me and we wanted to go for as long as we could. We soon learned that our team had people on it that couldn't walk more than a lap or two at a time and some I don't think walked any. Across from our pavilion was the Phelps County Emergency Workers team (yes if I would have known they had  a team we would have been on that one). We ended up spending the times we weren't walking over there in their booth visiting with them.

Anyway at 12 they started the first lap with all the survivors which was amazing to see. They had them each say how long they had been cancer free and what type of cancer. Some were cancer free for over 30 years! One girl looked to be 16 and she had been cancer free for 13 years!

I didn't take a ton of pictures wanted to conserve my phone battery because I knew when the going got tough I would be texting friends to keep me moving. At 12:30 we started our laps we walked 19 before our first break each lap was .25 miles. We took a 20 minuted break and went back out for 13 more laps. I wanted to walk my normal speed but knew we needed to conserve energy if we were both going to walk together and make it the whole day. Neither of us had exercised much at all since our last race which was in July or August. I was wore out from all that had been going on and was told by my lovely hubby I was a bit grumpy.... Wasn't really grumpy as was sad for all the luminary bags we saw with in memory of______ and knowing they were no longer here because of an ugly disease. They had bags that said in honor of for those still fighting. I found lots and lots of bags with peoples names I knew some I didn't realize had cancer some I didn't know that they had passed.

We decided we would walk even number of miles between breaks to keep it easy to remember. We stopped at 10 miles for a bit and then went up to 12 by that time it was getting close to dark and I wanted to save more energy for walking after the candles in the bags were lit. So we sat with my friends and ate some dinner. During that time we got asked to help a lady whose power chair ran out of battery to get home. None of us knew the lady but we all jumped up to get her chair loaded get her in a truck and take her home across town. The guy we rode with he had picked her up several times in the ambulance but didn't know her  but it didn't matter we all were willing to leave the walk and get her home. She was very appreciative. When we got back we decided to walk some more. Kathy walked with us which was nice I had got to spend quite a bit of time with her throughout the day but i was nice just the 3 of us walking together looking at the bags lit up. She knew I was starting to really hurt and the whole day kept asking how my ankle was and how I was doing.

Here is the bag in honor of my grandpa breaks my heart to know next year honor will be changed to memory.

And this bag is for a girl I went to highschool with that I was very very good friends with. I have a picture from right after we graduated and that was the last time I saw or talked to her. She died of cancer 9 years ago I kick myself everyday for not going to see her when she was in the hospital before she passed but then again I am not sure I want that as last memory. I went to the visitation and it was hard seeing how thin and frail she looked.

We got two more miles in and was at 14 I really wanted 15 or 18 it was about 10 at night so we had two hours left. My body was wearing down I knew I hadn't ate or drank enough the night before or that day and I was paying for it. 14 miles is farther than I have ever been so I was ok with the number but wasn't my goal. Kathy asked me to walk with her to the other end of the park to drop off their booths money and on our way back she told me I was done dont' walk any more. My left hip hurt from favoring my right ankle (even tho it didn't hurt I guess subconscious I was favoring it). I said I could keep going and knew I could but knew it was dumb she smiled hugged me and said I am proud for how many miles you have done theres always next year to improve.

So we stopped with out 14 miles it was triple the miles anyone else on our team walked and we were pretty close to the top miles and laps of anyone else we saw out on the track the whole day. We had people coming up to us in the evening telling us they had watched us all day and thanked us for walking for those who couldn't. Good thing it was dark and I was sweaty so no one saw the tears that almost fell.

It was an amazing day next year I will be part of the Emergency workers team or freezin for a reason's team if we do one. My goal will be a lot higher and I plan to be better prepared and in better shape to go even further.

We took this picture at the end o f the night we both look a bit wore out. Really don't know what I would do with out her in my life she supports me pushes me but yet keeps me grounded and knows when I need to back off on things.

I have a not so fun post to do later today or tomorrow just waiting to see if any more pictures pop up on facebook.

It's Monday and the start of another week.....

Well it's once again Monday. I had the weekend off from work which was super odd.

Friday night hubby and I decided to go out to a nice dinner to celebrate our 10 year anniversary (which was last month but never got a chance to go out). We at at our favorite steakhouse and it was well worth the money. After dinner we went to walmart to get groceries real romantic :)

Saturday he went with a friend to take  car that was sold and pick up another so he would be gone most of the day and evening. I scheduled myself a massage for that morning which was AWESOME! What was even better is the girl was my size so I didn't have that self conscious feeling of ok shes looking at me going your to fat to get a massage thing. Yes probably silly but still goes thru my mind when some super skinny chick does the massage.

After that I ran a couple errands and then got my grandma an strawberry sundae and my grandpa a vanilla malt to take home to them. I think he had the whole thing drank in 10 minutes! He is sure on an ice cream kick and since its the only thing he wants to eat I try and make sure to get him his favorite ice cream. So far he has asked for strawberry with strawberry chunks and then over the weekend wanted some butter pecan. Have a feeling that after he is gone Grandma and I will have a ton of ice cream to eat.

Spent the rest of the day catching up on laundry and house work oh and caught up on a few of my favorite shows on tv.

Sunday we slept in and since I haven't been sleeping good for several weeks it was nice! Spent the day doing things around the house.

Tonight I am going to my first ever football game... Its at the local school and I am doing ambulance standby. I know NOTHING about football and never even watched it on tv. Hope my partner can answer all dumb questions I am sure to have.

Doing standby again for the Varsity team on Friday night then working the rest of an ambulance shift.

Saturday is a BIG day hubby and I are doing the relay for life walk on a team with a friend of mine. She asked me over a year ago to do it with her. Back then I was doing it for her and its for a good cause you walk from noon to midnight and someone from your team is to be on the course at all times. Ok all money raised goes to cancer. Well after having the ordeal with my grandpa which is still going on it holds a whole new meaning to me. And pretty sure may be a bit more emotional than orginally would have been. My goal is to walk the whole 12 hours lofty goal since I have yet to train for it but its just walking not having to go fast or beat a clock. Am I nervous heck yes! Am I ready well sort of I know what pants and shoes I will wear but not the shirt.

Random Picuture Catch Up

It's been awhile since I posted any pictures so figured I would kill some time on my lunch break and post some.

Riding rides at the Maries County Fair was a super hot evening they were tired and I was tired but they still had fun.

Caught the picture just as the ride jerked to start what a look Blake has on his face.

Ice cream from Dairy Queen for my Grandparents 60th Anniversary was worried I wouldn't make the 20 minute drive home with ice cream still intact.

Last Saturday a coworker/friend and I drove the ambulance in the St. James Fall Festival parade. Was a lot of fun and a nice break from the stress.

I was covered up by candy and plastic footballs that we were handing out during the parade. Our boss was walking next to the ambulance so the whole parade I was keeping up passing candy out to our walkers and plastic footballs for him to throw.

Not a real good picture but the streets were lined both sides whole way thru the parade. I don't think I had ever seen that many people in that town at one time!

After the parade we went to the Street Market and I found myself a funnel cake. I had been holding out all year and then didnt want to pay the Carnival people 6.00 for one half this size, The Sports club was selling these for 3.00 much rather give them money! And it was soooo yummy!!!! Krissi and I shared half of it and I gave the rest to my friends boys.

I signed up to do standby at the demolition derby with the ambulance last Saturday night and it was a good derby. I was sure glad to be in my tshirt and work pants and boots and not full bunker gear like the fire dept wore the whole time!

After the derby the boys and Kenny met up with me so the kids could tell me how much fun they had watching the derby. We were parked over by the cops so Ron let the boys sit in his cop car and play with all the lights sirens and push buttons. Neither of them wanted to get out and go home.

Nathan's Mickey Mouse cupcake cake. I will post more on his party later but these pics are from my phone. I had the vision of what I wanted but ran out of time on the day of. Thank goodness my brother in law has an awesome girlfriend she pulled this together for me in like 30 minutes!

His gift table.... starting to think the boy is a bit spoiled.... but it was all gifts that he loved and has played with each day since. I think while the boys are gone tomorrow I will clean out some of their toys they don't play with.

When it was time to sing happy birthday I brought the cupcake display out took three people to carry it. Was way bigger than I had thought it would be. Nathan loved it and sang the mickey mouse clubhouse song ALL day.

Did get the kids to slow down long enough for a group picture, then they all grabbed cupcakes and took off.

Nathan felt like such a big boy he got his own real Legos! So he just had to try them out and talked his uncle Mark and his Panda (Amanda) in to playing with him...

I snuck this picture the other evening when I was at my Grandma's I would like to get a picture of them right next to each other but this will work just in case I can't.

Last night once we got on the gravel road I let both boys get up front and they were super happy. Blake wanted to listen to his Big Green Tractor song and now Nathan is singing it with him. Blake was a little younger than Nathan when he first heard the song and sang it non stop.

Things I have realized.......

Some things I have realized recently.....

* That just because you don't eat and most calories come from Dr. Pepper the scale doesn't do happy things... It goes up. Now I am not sure how I made that theory work back in middle school and highschool since I remember not eating equaled the scale going down way down.

*Working 80 hours in a week may sound like a good idea to run from thoughts and stay to busy day and night to have time to think... Three days later I am paying for it as I am exhausted and look like a zombie.

*Kids pick up on when you are stressed or on edge and seem to fight more than normal lol and over the craziest things, ie one has more legos than the other when in fact they both have the same lego set.....

*Laundry, dishes and house cleaning can wait when you have two sweet faces asking to cuddle with you on the couch and watch Duck Dynasty, Tractor Pulling or Fast N' Loud.

*Cupcakes are addictive.. and I have a counter full of them leftover from Nathans party. However my grandparents are making a big dent in them. My Grandpa has been having me make them for him for a few weeks now.

*Trying to explain to kids why their great grandpa is sick isn't fun. Thankfully neither has asked to many questions as I am still trying to figure out how to explain such thing to them. Since I am trying to still figure it out myself since I have never lost a family member.

*Very thankful that my grandparents have been married for 60 years and that he had a really good day and felt good on their anniversary, and that the kids, Kenny and I were able to celebrate with them having ice cream from Dairy Queen.

*Realizing I need to find an accountability partner to help me get up and get my workouts in each day... any takers via fb or text???? I need to get back on the healthy cycle and not my eating disorder cycle that I have been on for weeks.

*Have my first ever Relay for Life event I am participating in next Saturday. I signed up a year ago. Recently decided that I wanted to try and walk the whole 12 hours for the team. Kenny decided he wanted to walk it with me which makes me happy. But also realizing it will be very emotional for me I have decided to walk for my Grandpa and my best friends Mom.

*Realizing that I haven't done any sort of cardio in weeks... Not sure how that will go with my 12 hour walk..... But hey I seem to be the Queen of winging races lately.

Have a post up later with lots of fun pictures from my iphone from the last few weeks that I will post later today.

Catching up

This could be a long post just a warning.. I don't have time or energy to do several so I am going to put it all together just to have it done.

Go with the fun normal stuff first. Labor Day weekend we spent at the Maries County Fair. I of course was cooking with the fire dept whole 3 days of the fair but Kenny and the boys enjoyed the truck pull and demolition derbys that were held nightly.

It was HOT HOT HOT but was better than being rained out like last year. The Thursday of the fair I went that morning and got my hair colored...... Told the girl to do something different and bold. I always get blonde highlights or just go all brown. Sooooo she decided to do thin red streaks for highlights accented by some blonde streaks.. Sounded great in theory and looked good (even tho it was way out of my comfort zone) when she was done. Now the hair color they use you can't wash your hair for two days ok no biggie I would have hair pulled back in pony tail for the fair anyway. However apparently sweating your tail off two days is equivalent to washing your hair because the pretty little red streaks turned in to red/pink blotches everywhere.... Needless to say I washed and rewashed trying to get the red/pink not so bright and not so noticeable that it was in spots. The week after the fair I was so crazy busy working both jobs no time to buy a box of color and color it.
Thursday night I worked an overnight ambulance shift and we went to the Fall Festival in the town we work in and oh the comments from their fire dept... My hair looked pink tint all over (yes I didn't notice that change due to being so busy and just straighting it of a morning and being in a rush.)

I got of work Saturday morning and stuck around to do the parade in the ambulance with one of my awesome co workers then she talked me in to going to the street market thing with her after. I knew I needed to be home prepping food and making cupcakes for Nathan's birthday party but being away from all the stress and not having to worry about things made it worth while. Saturday night I went back to work to do the standby for the demo derby. Kenny and the kids came with his brother his girlfriend and her nephews. So the kids had fun I was a bit jealous I was on the other side of the arena from them and couldn't see or talk to them. I could tell the kids were having fun and that's what mattered.

Sunday we did Nathan's birthday party, yes its three weeks prior to his birthday and I will go in to why later. I had worked my regular 40 hour a week job along with working 3 nights straight with the ambulance Wed-Friday. Then worked parade and derby Saturday for a total of around 43 hours for the ambulance. I was stressed about the party and having everything ready and cooked and house clean. Thankfully it all came together wonderfully and only 3 people knew how stressed I had been about the party. Everyone enjoyed themselves Nathan and Blake had several kids there to play with. I am very thankful to some awesome friends one who came extra early and helped me make the grape salad and corn casserole.. He loves the grape salad and now he sees how much work it is to pull the grapes and wash and dry and mix together lol... And my brother in laws girlfriend and my mother in law and another friend iced the cupcakes. I will do a separate post with pics later.

Now the not so fun stuff: My grandpa had a routine checkup at his heart dr on August 19 he had been having dizzy spells upon standing and the local doctor thought it was the meds needing to be adjusted. So feeling confident that was the only thing wrong I had Kenny take them to the appt. I waited and waited and finally got a phone call that they were admitting him for observation. He had a dizzy spell in the dr office and they sent him over. His red blood count was down to 7 which is super super low. Ok so we thought maybe his body hadn't caught back up from his kidney bleeding back last year and January prior to removal and from the open heart surgery. I had no reason to think it wouldn't be anything more than that. So I took my Grandma up to see him the next evening and we met with 5 doctors who were trying to figure out if there was a reason it was so low. The blood doctor decided to run a bone marrow test and see if it showed the cause. That was on a Tuesday test would be Wednesday.
So we went up Wednesday evening after work the nurses had told my Grandma he could come home with us that evening that test results wouldn't be back until Monday. We get there and he was mad and upset they changed the orders and were keeping him. Right then I knew things weren't good but no one could tell us why they kept him. Other than needed "more" tests. I had to work the next day and had a meeting at the fire dept that night. My uncle agreed to go check on him talk with doctors and drive him home that afternoon.
What I didn't expect was to talk to my uncle mid afternoon to see if they had a release time yet only to hear my uncle say news isn't good. I said ok what.. he proceeds to tell me he can only answer yes or no questions at the time. So I asked if it was cancer and he said yes and I asked if it was bad and answer was yes. My heart sank and I didn't know what kind of cancer but knew it was blood related.

My grandpa decided against any treatments drs told him he would live two months with fighting it but be very sick or without fighting would be a month. Not great news but news we had to deal with. He came home on August 22, I went over to see him on th 23 and he seemed to be doing ok. Looking at him you would have no clue he had an aggressive form of cancer causing him to not make enough red blood or his blood able to clot if he got cut.

All went ok until August 30 my Grandma called me at 6:30 am telling me he had a nose bleed that had been going on since midnight (not sure why she didn't call then but ok). He wanted me to take him to the hospital I went in to medical mode and asked if he could sit up or walk to the car and answer was no.. I told her we had to call the ambulance. Lucky for us we live in the district where I work so I knew I would know the crew taking him. It felt like an eternity waiting but I got all paper work ready wrote down all meds and history so I could hand it to the medic once they arrived. We got him to the er and the nose bleed slowed down and stopped the blood work came back to say his blood count was way to low again. So they admitted him to receive a transfusion and to keep him overnight. Ok no big deal get blood all is good.. In the midst of all this my mom and uncle hadn't been to helpful wanting to force things on them they didn't want and my mom told me I had to force him to be on hospice. I refused and she hasn't really talked to me since. I am there with them daily I am the only grandchild and I am going to do as they ask of me now if I see something that needs attention I will press the issue but until he was ready for hospice I refused to push it on them. He is of sound mind and needs to make his own decisions not her or my uncle.

Saturday morning we had a meeting in his hospital room with a doctor (pretty sure my mom arranged the meeting because he wasn't aware of what was going on) the doctor said he needed to go on hospice but didn't explain what hospice was. For those of your readers who may not know they are there to help you die.. To make your life comfortable with pain meds and pain control until you pass. Now they don't tell you that boldly when they talk to you but that is their job. Anyway he decided to give it  a try. They said he could go home that day via ambulance and in this discussion I had already talked to people at work to see if I could request St. James to take him back home. I made darn sure all nurses knew and had it wrote down that St. James would be taking him home. He really wanted me to be the one but I was off that day. The news the doctor next shared was hard to swallow... She gave him two weeks or less. With hospice there is no more dr appts no more blood transfusion no more anything other than pain management.

Sunday afternoon we were talking to him trying to get him to tell us some foods that sounded good. As he hadn't been eating to well, he decided on steak and fried potatoes. So Monday afternoon I cooked up a huge dinner with Steak, fried potatoes, fresh garden corn, fresh cucumbers and tomatoes from our garden and carried it all over to their house. We all ate together and it brought back so many memories. I grew up there they pretty much raised me from birth so sitting in my spot at the dinner table brought back happy memories and having Kenny and the boys sitting with us made it more special. After his big meal he had lots of energy and was up walking the next day. He again asked for more steak oh and lots of cupcakes and ice cream.

Thursday was their 60th wedding anniversary so after work I stopped at Dairy Queen got us all ice cream and we took it over and had ice cream to celebrate you could tell it made their day. Grandma later told me we were the only family members to acknowledge their anniversary. I had prayed all week that he would make it to Thursday and past midnight. I didn't want their happy day to be the day he passed.

Feeling good that he was doing so well for now I picked up shifts at ambulance still in the back of my head I worried that those good days would end. And sure enough Sunday I went over before the party started to take cupcakes to him and he hadn't been up off the couch all morning. It was hard and I could tell my Grandma was upset. He wanted to talk to me about stuff and about what he wanted me to be sure to do and help Grandma later. Earlier in the week I had set up the funeral arrangements which was SUPER hard but I knew it was better to do it prior and knew Grandma didn't really want to do that part.  Yesterday he spiked a 100+ fever for several hours and had a hand that was swollen and red. I worried during the whole party about him  and after the party Grandma called and wanted me to come over and sit with them until the nurse arrived.

I have always had to be the strong one in the family and my Grandma is the same way. However I see this wearing on her more and more. Its wearing on me too but I keep busy and going non stop so there isn't time to think of break down. I have to be strong for Kenny and the boys as well as for Grandpa and Grandma. Its hard to go in there and be the grandkid and not look at him as a patient. However I think that being able to separate the two will help when time gets closer to his passing I will see signs Grandma don't and can maybe help her cope better.

Its wearing me down I haven't been eating hardly at all since mid August and while I drink some water its mainly soda non stop to keep me awake and going. Stress and being upset I am never hungry stomach rarely growls. Thankful for a couple friends who know this about me and can gently remind me to eat. No one else around me or in my family has noticed anything and thinks I am dealing just fine. Not sure how much longer I can keep up the going non stop but don't have a choice I have to and have to be strong.

I bought shakeology and the T25 program and haven't even had time to try it. I know I need to get back on track but not sure if I need someone who is outside my family and close friends encouraging me to workout and eat right or what. But I am struggling thus the lack of blogging lately.