Four Months............

I have thought about this oh for a good few months... As of this moment only one person knows of my idea. I think I thought if I shared it I wouldn't achieve it and then be laughed at or that I would put to much stress on myself and fall apart.  However if I don't share my goal with blog land then I know I wont push to reach it and end up procrastinating even more.

As of today its 4 months until the second annual Freezin for a Reason 5k which will be February 22, 2014. Last year I did the race and jumped out of my comfort zone dressed up in a princess costume. Was also a part of a facebook challenge that if they had x amount of people register by the start of the race 3 of us would jump in to a dump tank full of ice cold water (the race was mid January and had snowed and iced two days before). It took me way out of my comfort zone but was also very rewarding we were raising money for a friend (now also my co worker) who had cancer.

This year we are raising money to for the fund that was set up last year to help emergency workers who need help.. Over the course of this past year we have done small fundraiser type things and had donations in to the fund and were able to help a few individuals with small things which was nice.

On to my big goal... The theme this year is Hawaiian, my best friend who lives in Hawaii sent me grass skirt and coconut bra back in April. I wore the skirt for our Hawaiian lemonade stand earlier this year. Back then I joked I should run the 5k in just the coconut bra and grass skirt. Well a friend of mine who is also a big part of the freezin for a reason fund said well maybe you will be one of the features to get people to register etc.. Last year we had police chief run full uniform and tutu when we hit a certain number of people registering and then some firemen ran in full bunker gear and air tanks.

So I didn't give it much thought back in July... Now its October and it had been mentioned again recently. I would have 4 months to get my hind end in gear shed some weight and not make a total fool out of myself wearing not much of nothing (yes there will be shorts or capris on under the skirt). I have NEVER been one to wear anything revealing in public not even bikini and the thought of running in just sports bra well terrifies me. I am to self conscious and always think everyone is going oh gross look at her shes fat.....

But I know I NEED a big goal to work towards to keep me going and on track and something to focus on and not let the little life things get to me and stress me out.

I know I will need support motivation and encouragement. I don't have any real life fitness oriented friends who will be texting facebooking saying ok time to get up and get that workout in. So I may have to rely on bloggers and virtual friends thru facebook to keep me going. I need to do this the right way and healthy way and it will be a challenge but one I think I want to take. Just thinking about wearing my costume in February doing the 5k and letting go of the fear and self conscious ways is exciting yet scary.

Wednesday Thoughts........

It's Wednesday! We all know what day it is.... The commercial was funny the first few times now its almost annoying :) But glad its halfway thru the week!


Today is also boss's day: This morning I stopped at Panera Bread and got everyone breakfast so we could have breakfast with our boss this morning. She was leaving this morning to go out of town for a weeks vacation and had no clue today was boss's day. So I ate a cinnamon crunch bagel with cream cheese which was awesome! I could eat them every day but I don't as they aren't the best thing for breakfast and a bit on the pricey side.

Mid morning got a text from one of my coworkers from the ambulance saying that we were surprising our boss there with lunch at the local meixcan restaurant in the town we work in (10 minute drive from my office job) so I said I would go with them for lunch. They had his wife talk him in to going to the mexican place for lunch to meet with their preacher... But instead we all walk in there ended up being 9 employees there for lunch and he was honestly surprised. He's a hard person to pull anything over on and we got him with this. We had a great lunch and he seemed happy and had fun which was nice to see. I know he had been super stressed and we could all tell lately that he wasn't himself.

My Grandma has been on house clean and declutter mode for the last week or so. From getting new carpets to now painting. She called me earlier to tell me she was going to paint what she could reach then have me bring over the extender for the roller.... Last night she was going thru things and throwing a lot of stuff away and I realized she was getting rid of things that shouldn't be thrown out. So now I will start paying attention to what she's getting rid of and grab some of it.

Tomorrow evening I have Blake's parent teacher conference and to say I'm not nervous would be a fib... I am nervous all their work is done online and via computer at school except spelling tests. So I have NO idea how he is doing and makes me a bit nervous to hear what they have to say last two years they had papers come home weekly and you saw grades on math work and reading/writing.

Also tomorrow night my mom is keeping the boys over night and all day on Friday so the boys will be happy when I tell them they get to go farm for a couple days. I work ambulance Friday night then have an auction all day Saturday.

And since its getting cooler weather I get to wear my awesome new jackets I had a lady at work make for me!

They are lightweight fleece but warm and comfy. The blue one is for work at the ambulance and the other two are for everyday wear.

I hadn't heard from the funeral home about my Grandpa's ashes being ready but wasn't going to call and ask either.. However I did find out they are there and ready when I am ready to pick them up.. That's the hard part IM NOT ready to do that just yet not sure I want to go alone to get them (Grandma wants no part of it). I know once I get them we will be heading to the cemetery to dig the hole with the kids and bury them and well i know once that happens it means hes really gone. Yes I know he's gone now but to pick up what's left of him and actually put it in the ground I think will be harder on me than watching him pass away.

3 Day Weekend.. Well Sort of....

I had a 3 day weekend from my full time office job (thanks to Columbus Day) but I ended up staying super busy.

Friday night I went straight from office job to St. James to help pump gas for tips with the Ambulance. We were raising money for a local program that helps people who can't afford mammograms to still be able to have them. I didn't get any pictures from Friday night's event. The event went from 5-8 and then from 8p-8a I worked a shift at the ambulance. We only had one call at 4am so wasn't to bad of a night.

Saturday morning after I got off we were once again pumping gas for tips from 8:30 until noon. Was busy but I don't think we did as well as the night before. Right before I started with the gas pumping thing I go a super awesome text that one of my good close dear friends finally had her baby totally made my day!!!! After we got done there the two crews who were on duty and I went to eat lunch. Then I finally got to go home and see the kids.
Of course once I got home they were heading to go get a post of some kind so I took a short nap and worked on getting laundry caught up.
We decided to go out and eat dinner at a nice restaurant with the kids and invited my brother in law and his girlfriend to go along. I was more than exhausted and tired but was glad get out and spend time with family. The boys were really well behaved and ate a really good dinner.

Sunday Grandma had asked if I would accompany her to church, it would be the first time back since Grandpa passed two weeks ago. I will be honest I wasn't looking forward to it. It's the same church I grew up going to and well just didn't seem right to go without Grandpa. But I went with her and it wasn't to bad, she did pretty good with all the people coming up and talking to her and hugging her. Of course I got hugged a million times and smelled like a little old lady perfume when we were done. 

After church a friend asked if I would ride with him and his dad to go up by St. Louis to get a pool table he bought. That was quite the trip.. Both are can't hear one another (either that or have selective hearing) and argued non stop about this that and the other... I decided they took me along to read directions and navigate while they argued over who knows what. We only got turned around twice so wasn't to bad since the directions were a page and a half long! We left home around 12:30 and finally got back with the pool table around 7pm! Long day of sitting in a truck and helping load and unload a big heavy pool table. But I was glad I went was nice to get away from everything and not have people constantly asking how things were and how Grandma was and about the memorial dinner coming up. If I would have stayed home I would have been home alone the kids were helping Grandma all day do things around her house and yard. And I knew she needed that distraction after the morning of church.

Monday I had planned on staying home cleaning doing laundry and such. But I knew Sunday night I probably wouldn't get any of that done and really wasn't sure I wanted to be home alone. I got asked by Donnie if I wanted to ride with him to get the radios, lights and sirens put in his new cop car and do some shopping once that was done. So I decided to do that ya a bit odd I was asked to go but hey ain't passing up a trip to shop at two of my favorite stores and not have to drive or pay gas to get there heck yes... Now most people would have been bored to tears watching people install wiring and take a brand new car apart on the inside to wire up lights and sirens. I however must be odd cause it was neat to watch and see how they do it. The shop we were at primarily works on law, ems and fire vehicles installing lights, radios and sirens and fixing them. They had another cop car next to where we was so I got to watch them work on it too.
After hours of install we were done and headed to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch, I had never ate there but it was really good. They had 60 cent boneless wing day yesterday so made it that much better!
We went to two stores after eating and was running out of time or I would have asked to go to more stores. It was a good trip and nice to get away again and I could tell my mood had improved.

Between working Friday night and getting to talk to the partner I was working with, dinner out on Saturday with family, Church on Sunday and then a trip with friends, and then the trip yesterday cleared my mind but  got me away from things and my mind on other things. I finally slept some last night with no nightmares which was the first time that had happened since October 1. Really thankful for my kids and husband and the amazing friends I have that have kept me going the last two weeks. I know there will be hard days still but I hope that I am past the worst part and can have more days of good moods.

A Little Retail Therapy.....

I hadn't had much time for shopping or online shopping and had been deleting emails with "look at this great deal" or "clearance prices everything on sale" type things. For one didn't need to spend the money and two didn't have time or energy to really put my heart in to it.

So this afternoon I was thinking I needed to start getting Christmas gift ideas and start slowly buying for everyone. Then I came across a post on Facebook that said Pro Compression was having a 40% off sale if you used a code and also had free shipping.

I had read many bloggers posts about how awesome Pro Compression socks are and I have been tempted to try them but the price always made me hesitate. But I can't seem to find socks that don't end up making blisters on the bottom of my feet after walking or running for any amount of time. I decided to bite the bullet and order some they had the low trainers in a 2 pack for $25.00 and with the 40% off they were only $15.00 with free shipping.

Of course I had to order the pink ones :) I almost ordered the taller ones or the calf sleeves but since I have never tried anything of that nature I figured I would wait. Or maybe if I get any $$ for Christmas I can use that to buy a pair.

I need to spend time going thru my closet and seeing what I have and what I need for fall and winter for work clothes. I didn't buy much last year so I am sure I will need a few things this year. I already know I need a couple more pairs of slacks. Some day I will learn that when I find a type/style that I love and fit and right length to go back and buy several pairs!

A Gift for the Boys..

A few weeks before my Grandpa passed he told me he wanted the boys to have his tractors. He had an old John Deere that he has had since before I can remember. Lots of memories riding it with him thru the fields and hauling wood. Blake has always been a John Deere fan and has always claimed that as "his" tractor. When I was growing up I always wanted that tractor when I was old enough and even when Grandpa had people offer to buy it he kept it.
The other tractor is a newer model New Holland and for some reason Nathan has always loved it and claimed it as "his" tractor.  

For as long as the boys have been around Great Grandpa always told them that when he was done with the tractors they would get them. Did I really think he was serious... well not really but I knew he wouldn't sell either of them unless he really HAD to for other reasons.

So when he talked to me about finding out what paper work was needed for him to give the kids their tractors I was a bit speechless. But I did as he asked found the correct form and he had me fill them out and he and Grandma signed them. The John Deere went to Blake, Me and Kenny and the New Holland went to Nathan, Me and Kenny.

He had the kids come in to the living room and he wanted to talk to them about something. I wish I would have thought to video tape the talk but I was glad I got a picture without them knowing.

Grandpa had the boys stand there and he told Blake first.. He said that the John Deere tractor he always liked would now be his but until he was 21 it was to be shared with his mom. Told him it was an early Christmas present as he knew he would not be around at Christmas to give it to him. Blakes eyes were huge and he was like are you serious that I really own a real tractor.. When he talked to Nathan I am sure he didn't understand what Great Grandpa was telling him other than the blue tractor was how his and his daddy's to share.

I was almost in tears hearing him tell the boys about why he chose to give them each the tractors and telling them to take care of them and keep them in good working order. Grandma got up and walked out of the room during this which I can understand.

Once the boys went back out to play Grandpa talked to me about a few things that broke my heart but also had a good talk about things he wanted me to be sure to take care of when he was gone. We had many conversations over the weeks before he passed some were good some were hard to hear and some you knew he was aware the end was coming.

When I got home that evening Blake was in shock asking if Great Grandpa was serious I told him yes that the tractor was his. He said well I want to write him a thank you note. Nathan couldn't wait for his daddy to get home so he could tell him that he got the blue tractor to keep forever.

Blake wrote a thank you note from him and then he wrote one from Nathan (didn't get a picture of Nathans)

 

Says: Dear Grandpa Thank you for letting me have the John Deere tractor. And I got a present for you to I hope you like it. I asked what the present was and he told me he wanted to get Grandpa a vanilla milkshake the next evening when he gave him the note. So I we got Grandpa and Grandma vanilla milkshakes to give when they boys gave them the notes. I noticed Grandpa kept the two notes on the table by the recliner where he sat and showed them off to anyone who came over. I am glad he was able to give the boys the tractors and to be around to see their excitement and get the thank you notes. I am sure Grandma will keep the notes tucked away and someday give them back to the boys to keep. I will try and get some pictures of the boys on their tractors.

Nathan decided last week he wanted to wash his as it had bird poop on it from the birds in the barn. So Kenny and him spent a couple hours washing it and taking it for a ride.

Time to get back on track

Its time to get myself back on track to get healthier happier and to have less stress.


The last month or so I have been so focused on everyone else and taking care of everything that I lost me somewhere in that. Started skipping meals drinking way to much soda and living off crap foods. No workouts not even walks on my lunch break. I know that exercise is a great de stresser but not having energy makes it hard to want to workout.

The last weeks worth of emotions hit me yesterday and are still hitting me today but I need to find a healthy way to deal with it and be ok.

I worked 36 hours straight between my two jobs Friday and Saturday. But in the matter of two hours yesterday afternoon I was more stressed upset and exhausted than I was for that 36 hour work stretch.

Not real sure on the plan to fix myself and get back on track but at least I know I have gotten lost along the way and ready to find my way back.

This has been one heck of a long week....

I have posted before that my Grandpa was diagnosed with acute myloid lukemia back on August 22, he didn't want to go forward with treatments. Doctors said that would only prolong his life by maybe a month but would make him very sick.

They said he would probably last about a month after they told him. I knew doctors were wrong all the time but also knew they had seen the same thing in several patients. A week after that diagnosis he had a nose bleed that resulted in a trip to the ER and a blood transfision. Came home a day later on hospice with that doctor saying maybe a week to 10 days. I decided that I wanted to spend all the time with him that I could and for the boys to do the same.

Each day when I went over after work I went in to emt mode and would assess what I saw looking for changes from the prior day looking at the vital signs the nurses had been writing down. The first 3 weeks went fairly well. Only had a few bad days and those days weren't awful (compared to this past weekend). I stayed strong for both of them knowing that eventually the end would come I hoped and prayed he would go peacefully in his sleep and not suffer a lot.

Had a slight scare on Sept 25, enough that once I got to work for my ambulance shift and told them what was going on they sent me home. One co worker said I needed to go home and be there with them and told me about when her grandparents died first one that went she missed the last hours with him because she stayed at work. Second time around she was there and didn't stay at work. I was on the fence feeling guilty for having to find someone to cover my shift that night and for that Saturday night. For some reason the nights were harder on Grandma and she had been having me stay over there with them until almost midnight some nights. I would give his nightly meds and help her change him.

Friday morning she called me at work and asked if I could come home early, she was very upset and I knew something must have changed. So I asked what was up and she said he had been asking for me several times in the night and then again that morning. When she asked why he wanted me there he said cause he wanted to tell me goodbye and that he loved me and was proud of me. Then said he wouldn't be here after that night.  I went home and spent a good afternoon with them, the nurse came to check him and said it would more than likely happen over the weekend and if he was saying he wouldn't be here after that day to call family in to say the goodbyes.

He was right after Friday night "he" wasn't here just his body. That took a harder toll on me than I expected and I found myself looking at him as a patient not my grandpa just to keep emotions under control for Grandma. I spent most of the day Sunday over there (after being called out to a structure fire early that morning) and gave him his meds and changed him when he would get wet. He wasnt responding to us talking to him.

Monday was more of the same he was just there hanging on by what we weren't sure knew he didn't have much blood left to circulate in his body hadn't ate or drank since Friday. Once I got home from work I went over and wasn't prepared for what I saw and how awful his breathing sounded. I knew then that I would be getting a phone call sometime in the night from Grandma asking me to come over. I gave his meds told her to get as much sleep as she could knowing full well it could be a long night.

I woke up several times in the night and then the house phone rang at 3am... I knew without a doubt who it was and what was happening. I threw some shoes on and ran out the door and headed there. She called the nurse after she made the call to me, the nurse arrived and told me it wouldn't be long. So from 3am until 8am the nurse and I sat with him watching the dying progress. My Grandma would come in and out of the room we left her in there for a few minutes to say goodbye was so hard hearing her break down. I had her call her younger brother who lives up the road from us and he and his wife came down. Was SO glad they were there I knew he would keep his cool and emotions in check and be able to support Grandma while I was with Grandpa and the nurse. Think the nurse was shocked at first that I wanted to be in the room with her and him but glad for the company. I learned a lot from her that morning.

The nurse told me it was going to happen within minutes so Grandma returned one last time and then walked back out. The nurse and I stood there with him holding his hand and arm and watched him take his last breath at a little after 8am. I had a hard time keeping the tears at bay but knew at that time I needed to because Grandma needed the support. We called the funearl home soon after for them to come pick him up. They arrived and my Grandma and Great Uncle walked down to the barn to feed the horses.

I was glad to see a person I knew get out of the funeral home vehicle, he hugged me and I about lost it again. I showed them where his room was and the other guy asked if I really wanted to stay and watch. Before I could answer the guy I knew said yes she will stay and it will be fine. I think he knew I needed to see it thru to the end. So we moved him from the bed and on to their stretcher and they had him out of the house and loaded within 10 minutes. The nurse stayed to talk to me a bit and told me she was amazed at how well I handled it and knew I had been the only one helping Grandma this whole time.
When my Great Uncle headed home he hugged me and told me how proud he was of me and glad that Grandma had me right across the road to help daily. I went home to change clothes then back over to sit with Grandma.

My Great Uncle called a couple hours later wanting to take us out to lunch. I was not hungry but knew we both needed out of the house and away from there for an hour or so. It was a great lunch and Grandma laughed a lot which I was glad to see. I know its going to be hard on her for a long time, but I know how strong willed and independant she is. She had ran the house mowed grass did the garden for their whole marriage. Honestly she will do much better being there alone than if it would have been the other way around.

I haven't quite processed all that happened or really let it sink in he is gone. He was one of the very few people who were always there for me. He and Grandma pretty much raised me from the time I was a small child until I was a teenager. I am the only grandchild and was close to him always following along when I was a child wanting to help with what ever he did. I haven't taken the time to breakdown and fall apart. I go see Grandma each evening and spend some time with her helping her go thru drawers and clean out some stuff she wants out of the house.

I will try and post the picture and obituary that was posted yesterday (the day that it started to hit me that this was real and it did happen)

Charley Eugene Hart July 16, 1935 - October 1, 2013

Obituary

Charley Eugene “Gene” Hart, of Vichy, MO passed away Tuesday, October 1, 2013 at the age of 78. He was born in Vichy on July 16, 1935 to the late Roy M. Hart and Rosetta M. (Cruts) Hart. On September 5, 1953 he married Shirley Reed, who survives. Gene retired from U.M.R., now Missouri S & T University, where he worked for thirty years as a HVAC technician. He attended the Vichy Community Church. In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by one sister, Ordith Waldron, and one brother, Medford Hart. He will be greatly missed by his surviving family which includes his wife of 60 years, Shirley Hart, of Vichy; a son, Edward Hart and special friend Paul Stifel, of Sorento, IL; daughter, Sheila Terry and husband Mitchell, of Vienna, MO; one sister, Faye Miller; his granddaughter, Shelley Allen and husband Kenny, of Vichy; two great grandchildren, Blake and Nathan Allen; other extended family members and dear friends. A memorial service celebrating the life of Gene Hart will be held on Sat., November 2nd at the Vichy Firehouse beginning at 1 p.m. Online condolences may be offered at this website.